Thursday, 18 October 2012

East Kilbride

East Kilbride

What an enigmatic name!

It evokes visions of a couple of bearded be-kilted gentlemen stopping to pass the time of day on the little bridge over the burn beside the old Kirk while the mountains disappear into the mist in the background.

In reality it’s actually more like Milton Keynes but without the history, culture and Bohemian atmosphere.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Mile High Club

In a probable everyday situation,  David Cameron, Mitt Romney, the Pope and a hippy are on a plane which is destined to crash.

There are, of course, only three parachutes.

Cameron says “Well, I’m Prime Minister of Britain so I must have a parachute”. He grabs a parachute and leaps out.

Romney then says “Well, I’m going to be President of the USA and Leader of the Free World so I need a parachute”. He leaps out as well.

The Pope turns to the hippy and says “Well my son, I am perhaps nearer to God than you – you take the last parachute”.

To this the hippy replies: “Don’t worry Your Holiness, there are still two parachutes”

- “but how can that be?”

“Romney’s taken my backpack”.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Olympic Venue: Solved!

Every 4 years we get the same tedious faff about where the Olympics is going to be.

Result is much wrangling followed by construction at great expense and disruption of a stadium which might never be used afterwards.

There is a simple solution.

The international community should get together and buy Cyprus.

Cyprus would be a perfect permanent venue.

 It has a pleasant mediterranean climate, is a handy size and is located not far from the original site of the Olympics.

It would also sort out the problem of the Greek-Turkish divide.

As a bonus, and for increased efficiency, we could hold the World Cup there as well.

Saturday, 18 February 2012

We didn't have the Green Thing

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.The woman apologised and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.”

The cashier responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation didn’t care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right…   Our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store.

The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen.

And we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every shop and office building.

We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right…  We didn’t have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s nappies because we didn’t have the throw-away kind.

We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.

Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right…We didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room.

And the TV had a screen the size of a handkerchief. Not the size of the county of Yorkshire.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.

We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right…   We didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country.

But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.

And we didn’t need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint!

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

Anonymous, Feb 2012